THE REAL WAR 

She took a deep breath. The war within her intensified but she couldn’t do anything about it. The insides of her body felt like they were going to explode. The survivor from the explosion, is declared winner.

She opened her eyes. She saw people in graduating robes, tossing their graduating hats. She looked up at the hats tossing high in the air. The sky, obscure, as if it would rain anytime soon. Why did it feel that the clouds were, maybe residing in her eyes?

The water might subside the hot fire within me, she thought.     

With that thought she started walking away but turned around to have one last look. She saw the hats land in the hands of the respective owners. Oh! What a grave mistake was that. As the hands of the owners hit the hat, something triggered in her. Let’s say that’s how you could toss all your dreams, and have them back together when the time is right.

“What a proud feeling this is.” The Mind said.

“Maybe it is momentary.” the Heart said.

“What is momentary?” the Mind asked.

“This. This proud feeling with the hats.”

“Or maybe not. You will see that hat and certificate daily and it would make you feel proud too.”

She turned back and looked back up at the sky. Still the same obscure shade of blue-grey and black. Just like the clouds that formed on the battleground, in her eyes. She stood there contemplating what she should do.

“Just run away and do what you wish to do.” The Heart said.

“Or you could just stay for a while and imagine wearing that hat and making everyone feel satisfied” Mind said.

“Make yourself satisfied” the Heart said.

“If everybody is satisfied. She would be too.” The Mind said.

She closed her eyes for a brief moment. The Mind clicked the replay button and all the memories, incidents, criticism, reasons, seasons and everything, played right there. Struggling to concentrate, the Heart clicked the fast forward button and everything was at a standstill, except her. She was happily walking down a street.

She opened her eyes. Stressfully walking down the corridor that led to her room. As she looked around, she saw smiling faces. It felt like each smile was mocking her. Mocking her for being a battlefield, mocking her about the uncertainty in her life. She blocks everything around her.

“I was surely better.” The Heart said.

“The heart just fast forwarded all the struggles and played the rewards. You can’t achieve the rewards without the struggles.” Her Mind argued.

“There are much less struggles on my way, than on the Mind’s.”

“Actually no. There are an ample of struggles on the Heart’s way. I will have to think of ways to convince everyone around you. I will have to device plans to earn and live a better life.” The Mind countered.

“I can help you with that, once you follow my way.” The heart said.

“Oh my god! Would you stop??” she interfered.

“Tell us, whom do you choose?” the Mind asked.

“Hey Saania!” came a distant voice. She turned around and faced her friend Mahi. A confident, sure and brilliant student. Mahi was so sure about her future, she never had battles within her or she never needed to block everyone out. She was bold.

“Hey” she said. How she wished she hadn’t! Mahi rambled on about her future goals and how in exactly a year, she would be ready to toss her hat. Her mind and heart, both on the same page. Both agreeing with each other. “That’s great” Saania said, and absent-mindedly turned towards her room. “See you soon” said Mahi, and left.

She turned the door knob and entered her room. The walls were covered with thousands of papers. Pros and cons, futuristic goals, bucket lists, pictures of colleges and everything that could possibly be there to entice the mind and heart to quarrel more.  

She took a deep breath, feeling a stranger in her own room, she leant beside the window and sat down. As she looked out of the window, she saw two raindrops, racing to get to the bottom. Everyone is struggling and racing in today’s world, she thought. She saw fresh grass that was wet with the rain, the trees enjoying the shower and then she looked up at the sky. So calm and beautiful. She closed her eyes.

She entered a world of her own. A world where the graduating hats were waiting for happy- stress free heads, a world where she could feel the calmness of the clear skies, a world where she was independent. No critics, no judgements or boundaries.

“Let’s create it.” The heart said.

“This world?” the mind confirmed.

“Yes.”

And then, she opened her eyes. Her lips curved up into a smile and she knew. She knew that her mind and heart have agreed. She knew that there was something she could do.

Shaivee Chokshi 

30 August 2020