I was hovering around the cafe and peering in to settle for a quiet table in a corner. Mostly empty, occupants of two other tables seemed to be in deep conversations among themselves. Nice, people should mind their own business while I do mine!! That side, yes, just fine, dim lights, a nice wall frame over it, some Tibetan artefacts and the lovely frame of a mountain range. I love it, reminds me of Kanchenjungha and momos when I am hungry. Greens and the deep views. Suddenly the inverse happens…the café furniture gets replaced by a small wooden bench, eaten by insects and beaten by rains, still moist, some smaller ones still lurking by, misty air, an endless landscape, some mild sounds from the monastery and a coffee…just right!! The mountains also reminded me of Nima in her gift shop with her charming smile and fast moving hands…but that`s another story!!

This café and that place…how I wish we could just inverse ourselves sometimes into frames and see the world reverse. Changing frames as we wished.

She came around faster than expected. I wonder, sometimes they make you wait for eternity and sometimes you`re caught off guard. I mean, c’mon, a few minutes is given for your …whatever.

Hi...smile...smile...

Hi...

Couldn`t suppress my joy, I was seeing her after almost a week, a big smile engulfed me and for a moment and I was just lost on words...even the next moment...and the next. I would have gone on had Rina not raised her eyebrows as if to ask “hey…whaaat?” and I would never reply that it was she…her mere presence. You don’t just give away. Do you? Hmm…nopes!! J. I just nodded and smiled back.

She wore a white tee and blue jeans...the classic combo and I thought I could spend my evening just staring at her...she could talk, while I would just smile on and keep looking. I didn`t mind myself looking stupid sometimes…people don`t realise…it happens…and moreover, who needs to look smart always? The sounds could go blurred...the coffee could go cold...the waiter could wait, ice could melt and…ah leave it…point made. There was no hint of makeup except for her eyeliner and she looked beautiful...effortlessly. She had big eyes and I loved it when she rolled them to express any emotion, a surprise, a shock, little sarcasm, the “whaat?”. Her hair was long and almost had the look of some shampoo ads. I sometimes marvelled at the ability of women to look so fresh and stress less. Soothing. Yes, she radiated a warmth as if she was all ears for me, as if she could absorb all the concerns that I had and I felt a strong urge to hold her in my arms, to hug her.

The waiting time for me seemed to have been well spent!! We sneaked in…that side table for two.

I had seen her earlier in more formal avatars...some chance meeting, a few moments each time actually…some flashbacks...I had bumped into her at Park street just after our college days...Rina was a friend of a friend of ours who was in the same tuition as us. And by then we had met only once in a group when she had come to meet her friend…err our own...Sush. 

I had gone for picking some old books in Park Street and saw her at the same spot, asking the shopkeeper for a book when we saw each other. There was a moment of awkwardness which both of us felt, I felt her moving eyes on me but they had left me by the time I looked again. This was silly and so teen like, but I guess some teen like moments keep on appearing from nowhere, unplanned, unforeseen. It`s only when the moment passes, that the mind starts picking up the nuances, all the small moments weaved together with the intent of finding some meaning out of whatever small the interaction may have been. I don`t know if she noticed me at first or as usual it was me who happened to identify another known face, anyway...doesn`t matter.

It was just that I was actually too happy to have seen her, but being smart, wouldn`t express much. As if it was just another day, just another time and nothing really mattered. I found it funny, as kids, we would do the opposite, running with full force to our friend, shouting at the top of voice without a care to the world. Now that we`d grown up, we had learnt to hide away those, smart indeed!!

So, we met, held our thoughts, expressed less. In fact, somehow I felt, she was doing the same, it was kind of funny as she seemed to have no clue of what I was making of our little interaction. But we smiled together, and spoke about some trivial things, the "oh`s!!" and the "really's!!??" did happen for some words. What remained was the will to see her again, though not too sure, her looking back while departing gave me an impression that it was same for her too. It was nothing dramatic as the films would show, I just felt it. There was a wish of hanging around for some more time, of just looking away knowing she would also steal a stare and somehow it seemed fun to catch her in the act!! I did too, a couple of times and she smiled away as if it was not me but something else she`d been looking at. Times!!

For now, the café played some instrumentals while we chatted about our works, bosses, of nice and funny colleagues. I was astounded by how much we had to talk about. We were kind of losing track of topics started and left unfinished while we had moved to other and yet another. Ha!! My mind took a backseat sometimes to just lay back and look at her and at times she would just catch me off guard looking at her with a raised eyebrow. I love this look Rina!! Wow!! I mean, it was so nice to be in a company like this!! I hadn`t realised the meaning of ‘flowing time’ literally till then. But that was then, this is now, I was flowing.

Hey ya!! She texted me that night

Hi!! A little surprised, happily of course.

So, how much time did you take mulling over asking me out?

Whoa!! How did she know and how could she come straight to such a specific point?

Ah, no, I mean, yes, you know that day when I visited you, I felt a little stupid, I just felt you would laugh out and think I was being a nerd. But, believe me, I just wanted you to smile back and acknowledge me, some mild talks and just that...nothing more!! I also thought of going out with you. But, it feels silly at times, I mean it`s so common, guys wanting to go out and here I was asking you to do the same. I resisted myself long actually before calling you.

I pressed send in the momentum and then stared back at the message, trunng…delivered.

Hmmm, so, Mr resist, what does he think now!! Is Mr resist through with his plans?

I felt a strange sensation inside, a thud, as if a sudden burst of happy expectance was about to explode. I flushed actually. Was she showing interest?

Relax dude, you are taking things too fast.

Actually, err, can we go for a movie and a dinner this Saturday?

Here you are Mr Resist err Srijoy!! Done!!

I did a somersault on my bed!! And lay awake till late. There was a lot of anxiety over the state of things, over her straightforwardness and frankness. She had actually nailed the points in my head with one or two sentences. Was she reading me? I mean, how could she figure out all this? Women baffle me at times, sometimes with the most insightful thing they would say and sometimes with just opposite of what you would be thinking. The flow of emotions rarely matched. I mean, say you are going through a different frequency in some loop of thinking, you would find the lady in a completely different zone. They would quickly find out about your being lost with their words and would react as if you are insensitive. Crap!! It`s tough!!

I thought of concentrating elsewhere, but I kept recalling our past chance meetings and this one deliberate one. I recalled meeting her again for a job interview later after college. It was really a chance one and I had least expected to find her there.

I had felt this way before...wanting to get out of something but not trying enough...leave enough...not trying at all!! Maybe there was a pleasure in being where I was...may be to see what would it lead to. Oh! Someone will understand this unexplainable misery. In my mind I had wished about it a million times, the situations well thought of, multiple situations in fact, of this`s and that`s. Like an arrangement of cards, so many ways of making, the anticipated, imagined and played out scenes. These, in my mind, were kind of endless. Each time, a different scenario would appear...but as it happens, the real one hardly ever matches with the thought ones...it happened for me too.

I was in the room with a herd of guys wanting to jump into the wagon of a so called career. Eager, anxious, a little impatient with every turn of the clock, expectant with the buzz around. Guys knowing too much and guys knowing too less. The bunch of know all`s filling the ones with less and there were these indifferent ones or rather the ones with a measure of themselves, as if they knew what was happening, as if in control of everything happening to them. I always wondered if they were for real. Were they really in control of just everything or just showed the composure to shrug off their fragility? So here it was, Rina belonged to the bunch of the knowing too less and the eager know all`s were on the job there to impress her. Huff...no chance for me.

Looking back, I felt those random moments coming back to me every now and then...the anxiety ...the wish to tide by and the look on her face as if to plead with the know all`s to just excuse her. Rina sat among many that day to await her turn for the interview, a few would make it, and then she just caught sight of me and waved...I stood motionless for a while before reacting as if something unexpected had happened and reacted a little late to show the wish to go forward and talk. It was then that I felt my legs won`t move...too bad. Rina looked on with a little dismay and then concentrated back on her file to dispense off the crouching pairs of eyes of so many surprised fellows. They looked at me with disgust and mercy at the same time. By the time I could gather my wits, Rina had gone inside and I remained under the ridiculed glued eyes of the chamber. This was possibly the most embarrassing encounter I had with her. I never thought of seeing her again. But then, life had other plans. 

I really feel, that the events that happen in someone`s life, are someway linked to the day to day events preceding it. It`s kind of spooky, but if you look back later, you find the links. Have also felt the same way for books, I mean, the book you`ve picked now and the situations and feelings that are depicted in the pages now, are uncannily linked to your current state in some way or the other. I mean, it`s possible that you could have picked up some other book but then the same would have happened…that`s how I sensed it.

It happened again, here I was thinking hard about Rina and our past unexpected encounters without any results and here she was, determined to make an entry in my life possibly without her even realising it. I always thought about the other side, the other`s point of view, their take on the same situation that I have. It also happened quite often that the amount of prominence I would have given to something may not be getting matched for the other one connected with it, it may not even be a point to ponder for the person. So, sometimes an overthought on something really put me off while I found it to be inconsequent from the other`s side.

There occurred a series of next times and now without me having to do anything heroic or outstanding, she was comfortably walking and talking with me...these are mysteries, I mean Rina could have got herself a much better and a know all kind of a guy and I got lucky...ha!!!

Ok, to be precise, though I didn`t do any great stuff in the next meets, somehow, just somehow we connected as she had no one else to talk to and I got the benefit of being a ‘known’ face.. :). It was in the morning metro amidst the rush of the office goers and strangely enough she was sitting just opposite to where I got a place to hold myself. Frankly, I could not believe it, I mean didn`t expect her to be there at that time and as you just have it sometimes...she smiled…and I got over my awkwardness of our last meeting.

Seems like the years in between have just flashed by, from a teen plus guy in love haze and actually nothing more important to do, here I was, some thousands of miles away, jostled in a world that had no apparent similarity with the one I had left behind. The metro journey, my brazen walks to her home, the early job years, the coffees and the cafes, the smiles resulting into conversations and more. A hundred miles...a hundred miles...like I missed it all so much.

On a footnote, I didn’t qualify in that interview and neither did Rina. That movie too, did happen with the dinner and was one of the best that I remembered even now. From a few chance meetings and some outings, life had taken different routes.

No, we did not fall in love, didn`t get the time for all that, those were some moments and times, freezed possibly in frames of our hearts. Although there was a wish to relive those, I did not believe that it could happen. Rina and I kept touch for sometime, but as it happens, my movement to another city, her wish to pursue some more academics which took her to Cambridge, came in the way. Don`t know, for better or for worse. Footnotes do not end ever so…