Why sex has become a problem?

Man has tried to convert every blessing into a problem. Air, Water, Soil, Love, Relationships, Health, Body, Mind, Sex etc. are no exception.

The problem of sex has extended to domestic violence, strained relationships, health issues, social discord, infringement of personal space and freedom, psychosomatic issues, greed, child abuse etc.

Why have we converted such a beautiful gift we call sex, into a problem? 

As I see, there are two particular aspects to review this issue.

Firstly, we have termed sex as a subject. The result is that is has become an object of study. To further this, we have started giving sex education as a syllabus. When we impart sex education, we teach sex as biology whereas sex remains an emotion. We get into the physiology of sex and ignore the psychology of sex. We teach the mechanical components and methods and ignore the philosophy of sex. As a result, when the children grow up, they find sex as an activity and miss the compassion part of it.

Secondly, the philosophical aspect of sex could never reach the juvenile minds. Just like in order to understand money, one needs to understand greed or in order to understand food, one needs to understand appetite. Similarly, in order to understand sex, one needs to understand desire.  In Sanskrit and mythology, it originates from ‘ deep extensive desires, uncontrolled longing, concupiscence, sensuality and lasciviousness. 

The sense of identity or "I" is the root of all these manifestations. Since birth, our sense of identity has been reinforced. The process began with giving us a name that we claim as 'mine'.  Followed by my toys, my school, my grades, my achievements, my possessions and so on. The entire life has been fuelling this sense of "I" and as a result, one finds it almost impossible to let this "I" go.  Sex is basically a means to let go of the identity and one lands in the space where there is no 'self'. One is so accustomed to holding the "self" that one struggles when he loses it.

 This is the very reason why sex becomes a problem. In the perpetuation of the 'I', one thinks about sex. Sex is not a problem, thinking about sex certainly is. This is how thought converts sex into a problem.

Sex remains a major issue in dysfunctional relationships. One will see that dysfunctional relationship derail on account of 'identity' or 'ego' wars. The partner perceives a threat to their identity in a relationship and then conflict births. No one is prepared to let the identity go and nurture this relationship. In such situations, sex becomes more important than the companionship and eventually, it becomes a problem. In cases of sexual violence, this identity seeks dominance and finds its gratification through physical means.

Letting the identity go eases out many problems in relationships including sex. Identity is acceptable in the professional domain but in the personal domain, it creates a problem. One needs to be trained so that one may switch domains and maintain the balance. Happy is the man who is Nothing.

We can address certain issues so that sex does not become a problem.

Teach emotion and allow compassion to birth before we get into the anatomy of sex. 

Talk about attraction as a phenomenon and not as a means to channelize desires. Educate that sex can be a means for bonding, attachment, oneness and not as an end for romantic ideas.

Make one understand that identity again is a means for existence and not an end for survival. One may use his identity to fulfil a given task but not live to build up his identity.

Educate the difference between pleasure and joy at a young age. This will result in the adolescent to comprehend the objects of gratification and the senses as tools for pleasure, which would be temporary. One would thus understand that sensory gratifications are short-lived and one need not seek permanency and frequent repetitions of the same. 

One needs to discover the joy in relationships for which sex can only be a small means.

We see that most of these are falling under the domain of education and thus the educators have a huge responsibility to develop a right perspective. Else we would contaminate such a pure entity in existence.

Dr. Sameer Golwelkar

He is a practising Psychotherapist, a Philosopher and an Author.   sameer@optionsguidance.com