Time spots…

Runa - now

Am sitting on my roadside window with coffee , aimlessly looking at the never ending traffic and the faraway lights coming on and becoming bigger. Look straight into them and the final blaze before they cross, blinds you for a moment. Some light fractions travel through the tiny droplets from the little evening shower, they glitz one moment and go dull the next. Soothing nothingness. My cell is on silent. It`s like putting the world on hold for a while. Let all wait. Let me feel the smoky, dusty blowing wind hitting my face, my insides.

Deep mentioned something like this sometime. Oh, why am I thinking of him? Not actually thinking, am just making a reference. Two states inside us – debating as always.

But then, it was a different context, of sitting on an abandoned mountain bench or by the secluded beach .Taking in the largeness of the world, the leftover peace for the day.

It amused me actually, ‘what is leftover peace?’ I had asked.

He cast his gaze on me and then on the blankness as if to decide the words which will make me understand.

‘Oh, it`s like there is a certain amount of peace allocated for humans everyday and there are different people soaking it in. As if it is something definite. At your time of seeking it, you just hope to get some for soaking in yourself.’

He had looked at me probably to ascertain if I had taken it in.

I had looked at him in wonder at this thought of his and couldn`t reply for sometime.

And then as an afterthought, ‘So, you make sure that you get your share everyday?’

‘I try, but I miss it sometimes due to the chores and am sometimes too lazy for it. But yes, I do not miss this for many days at a stretch.’

It was getting too philosophical and Deep`s voice changed when he said things like this.

I dismissed the topic, ‘You and your take on things!! So bloody confusing!!’

Who`d believe that this same guy was just the opposite of the image he created for himself when he spoke like this. Restless, confused at times, messy.

But I did miss him. Yes, I did. Six months.

He was a few thousand kms away and I satisfied myself by browsing his FB profile sometimes.

I felt something swapping inside me whenever I saw his pic.

I consciously tried to focus back on the sights outside.

Something else? Hmm… the gol gappa wala on the street corner. I love this and can have it daily. When did I last have it by the way? A flash comes and I sway my head to fend it away, it comes again and I try too hard to put it off.

Oh…leave it. I can go down now if I want and have some, who said you can`t have it alone.

My phone remained silent and I left it on the dining table as I left. It beeped.

Deep – one evening around six months back

The chaos outside on the road and the strong dose of running rock music calmed my insides as I drove. Some days it so happened, chaos, turbulence of so many moments where the inner self had been stirred and challenged , I felt numbed from outside. This state provided me the needed bliss.

The loudness seemed to erase all that to perfection from my bit of head banging on the beats and through playing my air guitar. I realised I cared too little for the demons inside. Like medicine doses, administered in small amounts and they work, right?

Runa added in her own way to all this, why does she have to half say things? I mean, say it fully if you want to, or better, don`t say it at all. Don`t expect me to just understand everything. Am not fitted with some antennas to figure out hidden meanings. Men are not. I also know how I`ll feel once we are through with our silences and decide to talk it out. She will just state the events and her expectations in a matter of fact way and there`s no way I could say that they were wrong. But then, that doesn`t mean that I was wrong too. If I do not understand subtle hints to expected ways of actions, is it a fault? Does that mean that I do not care?

I had picked up a Vodka as I returned to my flat. My room was at its worst self, I mean worst by my own standards, I could have done better on this front. The dirt was on the bed, the wet towel of the morning had left a stale smell in the room. To hell with this.

I poured a large one, changed and stood on the small balcony. It was late and I had decided to get drunk before I slept. I finished a few pegs as I tried to bring myself to blankness. An occasional crossing car or bike, the corner late night paan shop and few walkers from time to time brought me back again and again. The looming project and my scheduled visit to the U.S for six months kept knocking me. Will I miss her?

I think being away will help. It will bring me to my true realisations and what I actually wanted. Did I love Runa?

I slept and I think I dreamt. I felt her face with my cheeks and then with my nose digging in her cheeks, she felt so close. It was rare even in my dreams. I looked at her eyes from where my nose touched her cheeks. They were smiling eyes, occasionally looking at me with a raised eyebrow as if to ask ‘what are you up to?’ simultaneously moving in her body a little closer to me in a better snuggle. Felt warm. Felt warm for my mind too. I think I was smiling…grinning actually.

This way, I felt closer to her thoughts. What was going on there?

In moments like these, I could also feel the bubbling happiness that she exuded which I always wanted her to exude. All this pushed away a lot of worldly agony that had accumulated in me even after I woke up.

Runa - now

It`s Deep!! He is coming back. Six months already!! How I wish we had parted more amicably when he went. It was all so silly. I didn`t mean to question his will towards me. It`s just…oh leave it.

Let me go see him, he`s landing in a few hours.

Deep – now

It`s been 30 minutes behind schedule already. I can`t wait any longer. Why do I know that Runa will be there? How do I tell her that I missed her too much and she was probably right in all she did, she wouldn`t have if she hadn`t loved me. How our minds pick up on small egos that we nurse…but then these things do make us realise a lot…yes, they do. Small things, lost times, realising each other`s values in our lives. We are finally landing…

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