The flame flickered for the final time and died. 

Srini woke up with a start. It was 5:30 am, about half an hour before the alarm was set to ring. He rubbed his eyes, took a few deep breaths of air to calm his pounding heart and waited. He knew what was to follow.

“I quit!”

The flickering-flame dream, followed by the short, unpleasant echo in his head, was a recurring theme in Srini’s life for some time now. 

He knew there was no way he could go back to sleep. He got up from his bed, switched off the alarm set for 6 am and quietly went to the washroom to start his day. His Ola cab was scheduled to arrive at 7 am to take him for a one day business trip to Nasik. As Srini got ready, he looked forward to the ride to Nasik. He needed the short escape from his office routine in Mumbai. He had an important meeting. But he would be done by 2 pm and wondered if there was something interesting he could do in Nasik.

The cab arrived on time. As Srini finished his coffee and kissed his wife goodbye, his twelve year old son, Shubham threw a mock-jealous look towards them. Srini gave him a maaza kick, picked up some random book from his book shelf and pushed it into his bag as he opened the front door to leave. 

Srini and his driver, Manoj ji, started for Nasik. As the AC cooled his car, tiredness hit Srini. He tried to doze away for a while, but his thoughts drifted back to the source of his disturbed sleep – a phone call, one chilly winter evening, three years back. 

That fateful evening, Srini was sitting all alone in a Café Coffee Day outlet in Koramangla, Bangalore, glancing desperately at his phone, awaiting the call back. A prospective customer was supposed to call, confirming his order. The order meant much needed cash in-flow, oxygen for his dying business venture. 

For the past one year, Srini’s business had been seriously sick. Existing customers switched off one by one. New customers talked to erstwhile ones and refused to back a sinking ship. Team morale was low. Srini still had belief in his venture. But to run a business, he realized, belief alone was not enough fuel. He needed cash. Cash inflows to his business were down to a trickle. His credit line was exhausted. So Srini had pledged his own savings into the game. But, how long can one burn cash? 

That evening, Srini was down to the last 200 bucks in his personal bank account and was six months overdue on his personal credit card and home loan repayments. Only that morning, he had warded off a nasty call from the home loan recovery hawks. But the credit card guys were smarter. They had call up Srini’s wife –Kavya and unsettled her.  Kavya was distraught. She had called Srini at noon and said – “Srini, don’t make your family carry the weight of your dreams. It’s unfair.”

Srini had labored with a heavy heart and hoped that the phone call that evening would change things. Last week, he had made a presentation to a prospective customer for a large order. The customer had given positive feedback and had asked for a few days’ time to round up the required capital. That morning, Srini had made a follow up call. The customer had sounded enthusiastic and had promised to call back by evening. It was time. 

Finally, the customer called. He had decided against going for the order. He had tried to explain his decision. But it was all a blur to Srini. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he had lost the order – his last hope.

Srini had put the phone down, walked out of the café and lit a cigarette. Only then did he notice a pit in his stomach - deeper than Mariana Trench -and a flame flickering wildly in his mind’s eye. His entire business journey, right from the start to that moment had flashed in front of him – the first presentation, the first employee, the first order, the first celebration, all the highs, all the excitement, all his dreams, the first problem, the first customer exit, the first employee exit, all the lows, all the late nights, all the hard work - in tremendous fast-forward, slowing down to the call from Kavya that morning, and the call from the would-be customer who was not-to-be! He could see the flame dim in slow-motion.  The flame flickered for the final time and died.  Srini had called up Kavya and told her – “I quit.”

More than three years had elapsed between that evening and Srini’s trip to Nasik this morning. Srini still had dreams – only this time, the dreams were flickering flames and succinct statements, not fancy cars and wealth-creating assets. 

Srini forced himself back to the present. The car had left the bustle of Mumbai and was speeding away on the highway. The hustle would have started back in the big city, Srini thought with a wry smile. The speeding landscape put him back on thought mode.

Over time, Srini had realized a few things.

Firstly, dreams have a funny way of checking how much they mean to you. They put you in dire situations and test your loyalty towards them. The larger the dream, direr the situation! 

Dreams also know that they have no business with practical people. Practical people have way too much common sense to indulge in dreams. Dreams are only for fools. Not ordinary fools – extra-ordinary ones! 

Only when dreams realize that no situation can coax common sense or practicality into you or budge you from your loyalty towards them that they arrive at your door step and become one with you. That’s when fools become “overnight successes”. But that requires uncommon impracticality or extra-ordinary foolishness. 

Secondly, Srini understood the science of giving up. Dreams have energy. This energy fuels the flame in the mind’s eye. It keeps it alive. This energy shields the dreamer’s flame during rough times. When the going gets desperate, hope kicks in and shelters the flickering flame. Until there is hope, the flame is alive. When hope dies, the flame dies and the dream dies. That’s when people give up – their businesses, their dreams or sometimes even their lives. 

Third, even Bill Gates might have had moments of flickering flames – some even to near-death of the flame. Somehow, he crossed those moments and survived to live another day with his dreams. How did dreamers overcome flickering flames? 

They probably did it by digging deep into the reserves of their instincts. Somewhat like that scene from the movie Terminator-2, where, in the final fight between the cyborgs – bad guy T-1000 & Schwarzenegger’s T-101 – T-101 is badly damaged and the light in the T-101’s eyes is shown to have switched off. We think he is finished. A moment later, some stand-by, auxiliary power within him auto-kicks in and powers him for one final onslaught. And he goes on to destroy the more powerful T-1000 and save the world from future termination. That was one of Srini’s favorite scenes from movies. 

Or, at such times, dreamers probably spoke to some support figure in their lives – friend, mentor, parent, spouse or God, for hope, strength and inspiration.

Srini did neither. He quit.

Finally, he realized, failure is a bitch. No matter how much Srini rationalized, philosophized or understood the sciences of success and failure, failure was still a bitch. She bit. And it hurt. And the scars didn’t go easily.

Again, Srini forced himself back to the present. They had crossed the toll gate and were arriving at the food plaza. Srini invited Manoj ji to have breakfast together. 

As they ordered, Manoj ji asked, “Sir, are you always so quiet?” Srini laughed aloud. If only Manoj ji could hear the clamor of the storm within me, if only he could perceive the restlessness within me!

Srini made some small talk with Manoj ji. But his heart was not into it. After a while, Manoj ji got the message and relapsed into silence himself. Srini felt sorry for him. He wished he were better company. Post break-fast, the car sped on towards its destination.

Eventually, they reached Nasik. Srini’s colleague met him outside the client’s office. Together they went for the meeting, which was productive. The deal looked like coming through. Srini made notes of the follow-up actionables and promised to get back at the earliest. The client promised to take the proposal to the board for approval. He then invited them for a quick working lunch. By the time final handshakes were done, it was only 2:30 pm. His colleague had some personal work downtown and parted ways. For a while, Srini considered visiting the 800 year old Jyotirlinga temple in Triambakeshwar, about 20 km away from Nasik. But he had been there once before and decided he didn’t have the time to visit the temple after all. So he headed back home. 

As the car cut through the slack afternoon traffic, Srini opened his bag to check what book he had hurriedly pushed into it. It turned out to be The Bhagavat Gita, published by Gorakhpur Press! Srini sighed as he dropped it beside him on his seat. He just wasn’t in the zone for Gita-gyan right now. 

He had bought this book after strong recommendation from one of his friends, who had sensed his inner struggles recently. “It contains answers to all of life’s questions.” he had said. Srini had sincerely tried. He had forced himself through the book from cover to cover. He was not sure how many answers he got. But he sure that Arjuna must have been a genius to have got it all in one hearing!

The car quickly reached the outskirts of Nasik and Manoj ji got onto fifth gear. Srini wondered if he could catch enough network to watch a movie on his phone. 

Just as he switched on his Hotstar app, he saw a lone figure standing on the roadside, about 25 meters ahead of him, waving for the cab to stop. Normally, when he saw hitch-hikers, Srini would want to stop. But before he could make the decision, he would have crossed the person and would ignore his instinct to go back. But today, there was time. He put his hand on Manoj ji’s shoulder and instructed him to stop the car. The car came to a halt right in front of the hitch-hiker. Srini rolled down the window to assess the situation.

The hitch-hiker bent to look at him through the rolled-down window and said in a clear, crisp tone. “I am on my way to Mumbai. My bike has broken down. I managed to find a mechanic. He didn’t have the necessary tools. So, he took it to his garage. I will come back tomorrow to get it. While I can wait for a bus, I would appreciate if you give me a lift if you are going that way.”  

It was not a plea. It was a statement. It implied – I have a situation. I can handle it myself. But if you assist, things would easier for me. That was unusual for a hitch-hiker, thought Srini. 

Then Srini’s gaze fell on the message printed on his T-shirt. 

You don’t throw away a life just because you got banged up a little. 

A long message for a T-shirt, Srini thought, and instinctively said, “Hop in.” The message seemed to reflect the guy’s personality.

As the hiker settled into the seat next to him, Srini tried to size him up. He looked closer to 50 years than to 40, about 5 years his senior. He had a Greg Chappell beard, wore acid washed denim jeans and a pair of worn out but comfortable shoes. He was handsome in a rugged way. But there was something else. The guy looked damaged. He had seen life. No, he had lived it. There was a certain dignity about him.

Srini welcomed the distraction. He hoped this guy was good company. “Hello, I am Srini,” he said extending his arm. “I am Dev,” came the reply and the handshake. Then about ten minutes of silence followed. 

Srini found the situation peculiar. Generally, he would have imagined a hitch-hiker to be eager to engage his benevolent host and bore him with trivial questions. But this guy was… different!

“Dev, are you always so quiet?” he asked and glanced towards Manoj ji as he stole his conversation opener. Unlike Srini, Dev did not laugh.

“Yes, I am quiet within. So I am quiet without.” 

Srini froze. Yes, this dude was different. He didn’t know what to say for a while.

Dev must have realized that his silence was making Srini uncomfortable. He tilted his head towards the book on the seat and asked, “What are you reading?”

“The Gita,” Srini answered. “Have you read it?”

“No. Why are you reading it?” Counter question. 

For a second, Srini debated whether to explain to his guest what a profound scripture The Bhagavat Gita was and impress him with what little he understood of it. The dude didn’t look like he would have read many scriptures. May be he could score a point. But he quickly decided against it. This guy looked life-educated. Srini decided to be forthright instead.

He said slowly and deliberately, “I am looking for answers to questions in my life. Somebody told me I may find my answers here.”

“Did you?” he questioned. 

Srini’s silence drove home the point. 

“What are your questions?” Dev asked.

Srini turned sharply towards the stranger as he immediately thought of three possible replies to this intrusive question - mind your own business…, who do you think you are…, and…get lost. But he checked himself. Sincerity shone on Dev’s face. He genuinely wanted to know. Srini’s defenses crumbled and he decided to confide. He may or may not get answers, but he might feel better.

“To start with, why is life a struggle?” Srini articulated at length.

Dev gave a short nod, acknowledging the validity of the question.

“Where does the story in the book happen?” he asked a moment later.

“In the midst of a battle field” replied Srini. 

“Hmm… a Ranabhoomi…,” considered Dev thoughtfully. He then smiled suddenly, as if he had cracked the answer to my question. 

“What if life is not a Ranabhoomi – a battlefield, but Rangabhoomi – a stage!” 

For a few seconds, their eyes got locked into each other’s. Srini could see deep calm in Dev’s smiling eyes. 

What a perspective!

Life was a struggle for Srini, he realized, because he always looked at life like a battle field - a place of conflict, where he won or lost. If he won, somebody else lost. If he lost, somebody else won. So Srini was always exerting his will into influencing a favorable outcome. If he won, he was happy for a while. But he was always gearing up for the next battle. If he lost, there was misery. Since the other party was also doing the same, struggles pervaded. Srini was always competing with someone. How exhausting it all was! Ironically, most of his struggles were with people closest to him. He had no thorn with strangers. Just like in The Gita! 

He had never looked at life as a stage – a Rangabhoomi. What happens on a stage? A drama! There is a pre-written story. There are actors. Each one has a part or a role. All of them enact their roles to the best of their ability. There is action, comedy, tragedy, emotion, love, hatred, relations, enmity, proximity, separation, but they are all staged. Before the play starts, there is tranquility. So is it after the play ends. The actors are all players, playing their parts for the limited duration of the act. On-stage enemies could be best friends off it. Vice-versa! No one won, no one lost. There was no conflict. And there was a director! He directed the plot and assigned roles to the actors. If all the actors played their parts to their best, the drama was a hit! If not, it flopped! But whether it was a hit or a flop, it was still a drama. It was over. Till the next drama!   

Wasn’t that what Lord Krishna had expounded to Arjuna in The Gita?

Srini reflected on the various roles the Supreme director had given him to play in his life - a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend, an employee, a manager, a colleague, a business partner and so on. Did he play them well? He realized that was all he could do. Play his part to the best of his ability! And leave the rest to the Supreme director! There was no winning, no losing, no struggle and no conflict. He chuckled at how foolishly he had been living his life so far. The roles he was only supposed to play - he was carrying their burden on his shoulders! Srini felt lighter all of a sudden. 

“Nice perspective! Thanks,” he complimented Dev. Dev gave a short, elegant nod. Silence continued.

“Ok. My next question is,” Srini posed after a while. “Does life happen to me or do I make life happen?”

Another nod – series of nods!

“Your life is 100% your making.” Dev’s tone was somber. “And, you are not going to like this – as you sow, so you reap.”

Damn right, Srini didn’t like it. Did he have 100% control on events in his life? No. Then how was his life 100% his making? For example, why did he fail in his business? Did he lack belief? No. He still believed in his business model. Did he lack effort? No. He had happily put 18-20 hours every day, including weekends, for four years. Did he lack passion? No. His passion and energy were infectious. He had put his heart, blood and sweat into his business. For four years. Why had he failed?    

And what had he sown to reap failure and bankruptcy? He had conducted his business with utmost integrity. He may have made mistakes, but he was never unfair. He never professionally or personally hurt somebody knowingly. No, Srini, thought angrily, in this lifetime, I haven’t done anything to deserve such a result. In fact, in this lifetime, given my commitment to my business, I deserve to be a millionaire.

In this lifetime…!

With growing suspicion, Srini turned towards the stranger in his car. “Are you suggesting that I have multiple lifetimes? I am a little disappointed, Dev. This was going quite well till now. Don’t tell me you believe in the past life-rebirth theories. Look. Let’s have a few ground rules here. Anything I don’t know, I will accept that I don’t know. I will not believe it blindly.”

Dev remained unfazed. He said calmly, “Fair enough. But don’t disbelieve it blindly either. Belief and disbelief are the same. They are accepting or rejecting something you don’t know yet. Instead, seek! Seeking means coming to a point where you are straight enough to accept that you do not know. You want to know. That’s a tremendous possibility.”

“Makes sense! I know what I know. And I know what I don’t know,” murmured Srini.

“But you don’t know what you don’t know!” whispered back Dev with gravity.

Srini digested this new input. “What is it that I don’t know that I don’t know?”

“Let’s look at it this way,” Dev persisted.

What is the shape of the earth? Round!

How does the moon revolve round the earth? In an elliptical path! 

How does the earth revolve round the sun? In an elliptical path!

What is the process of water evaporating from earth, becoming clouds, condensing and falling back as rain or snow called? Water cycle!

What is the process of plants breathing-in carbon dioxide and letting out oxygen for animals to breathe-in called? Oxygen cycle!

How do seasons repeat themselves? In a cycle!

See, all natural phenomena follow cyclical patterns. Why? Because a cycle is the most stable form of perpetuity! 

“How am I doing so far?” Dev smiled as he asked. Srini simply nodded.

Now, life is the one of the most significant forms of nature’s creation. Isn’t it?

So, why does life have to be linear - Birth – adolescence – adulthood – old age – death? Why can it not be cyclical, like the rest of creation? Birth – adolescence – adulthood – old age – death – Rebirth – life – death…!

Srini inhaled long and slow. His belief system had taken a small hit. Dev continued. 

Life seems linear and not cyclical for two reasons. One, we do not remember our past beyond our birth. Two, we cannot see our future beyond the present. Which is just as well! Nature has programmed us that way for our survival. Imagine, if a person who finds it hard to let go of what happened yesterday, could remember what happened two life-times back, how miserable he would be. Similarly, if he is anxiety-ridden by uncertainty of what might happen tomorrow, he might be driven to insanity if he can see for certain what will happen day after. 

Srini tried to collect his thoughts and summarize. 

So, what happens to me in my life - both the good and the bad - is a consequence of what I did in this lifetime or in lifetimes I don’t remember anything about! And what I do today may bear fruit now or later – may be in subsequent lifetimes!

Since I cannot always pin point what the cause was that led to a particular result, I ascribe responsibility to The Supreme Director! Though I take a lion share of the credit for good things that happen in my life, I ascribe blame for the bad things to that easily available scrape goat, GOD!

When Srini ran this idea in his mind a few times over, he felt de-spirited. 

“I am 100% responsible for everything that happens in my life. But I have no control?” he objected aloud. 

Dev was quiet for a long time, as if figuring out how to respond. Carefully, as if explaining to a child, who might misunderstand, he explained.

“You can take 100% control of your life and destiny. There is a method, a technology.”

Srini waited with bated breath.

If you take complete charge of your physical body, 25% of your destiny is in your hands!

If you take complete charge of your mental body – mind & emotions – 50% of your destiny is in your hands!

If you take complete charge of your energy body – your life energies, called Prana – 100% of your destiny is in your hands!

All it takes is willingness and effort! The technology is already laid down. It is called Yoga!

A yogi is a master of his own destiny!   

Srini reeled under the weight of these revelations. After much consideration, he asked, “What about us lesser mortals – the bhogis?”

Dev lips curled into a naughty smile. “What comes out when you flip the syllables of Gita?”

Srini thought for a second and said, “Ta-gi?” 

And the ball dropped. Ta-gi – Tyagi - Let go! Accept life as it is! Surrender! Bhakti! 

Srini got the answer to his second question. 

It was his choice really – He could make life happen – take charge of his life and hence take 100% control of his destiny. Or he could let life happen – by 100% surrender to HIS grace! Not a blade of grass moved without THY will, anyways!

As his mind and heart filled with clarity, his pain dissolved into tears. He broke down. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t prevent the flow of tears. He felt a hand on his shoulder. No words were spoken. None were needed.

He had read about The Law of Karma in The Bhagavat Gita. But Karma always felt like a fatalistic concept to him. Today, he knew it was the most empowering idea on earth. 

Every moment of life is past-Karma being exhausted and future-Karma being created. By Srini himself! His failure in business exhausted some unseen, past Karma and made his life open for fresh Karma to be underwritten.

Srini was forever haunted by the fact that the flame of his dream had flickered and died. And felt like a loser for having quit. 

Today, for the first time, he realized that all he needed to do was to light another flame! 

That simple! Take up another project. Start another thing! Wasn’t success moving from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm? What did he love the most! To read, to write and to teach! Maybe, he could start by writing. He had a lot of interesting stories to share. He smiled a little.   

And by God, he should Tagi - let go of his failure. Surrender to THY will. Make his failure his stepping stone – for his next dream! He smiled fully, and looked out of the window. They would be approaching Mumbai in a few moments.

Dev signaled Manoj ji to stop the car at the next signal. The car halted. Dev opened the door to step out. As he extended his arm for a final handshake and goodbye, Srini asked with genuine warmth, “What’s your full name, Dev?”

Dev Dutta, came the reply, as Mr. Dutta shut the door close and dissolved into the late evening crowd.

As Manoj ji revved the car to speed again, Srini wondered – Wasn’t Devdutta another name for Arjuna’s battle conch?

My notes: This is a work of fiction. I dedicate this story to Devdutta Pattnaik’s My Gita, an amazing book, which found me at the right time in my life. In the book, Ta-gi, Gita’s flip, is said to have been coined by Shri Ramakrishna Paramahansa, that doyen of simple stories with profound messages. My good friend, Devipad Tripathy (Dubloo) advised me to find my life’s answers in Bhagavat Gita. Little parts of the story and large parts of my life are inspired by my Sadhguru, Jaggi Vasudev. My heart-felt gratitude to all of them!